I am at peace

7DD42475-1829-4B1B-9739-18A37B2A4833.JPGDear readers,

I would like to start off by saying dreams do come true. As cheesy has that sounds I must plead the fifth and rest my case.
Once upon a time, seven months ago my daily routine included eating/ partying on repeat. I woke up in the afternoon just enough time for lunch. I showered got dressed and was out the door. I wouldn’t come home until ten at night, only to shower again and out door. Returning back home from car rides filled with laughter, from previously dancing at parties with friends and socializing; My fantasy of a perfect world washed away and as soon I approached my front door. Real life crawled down my back. Afraid of disappointment in my mother’s face if she woke from the sound of my footsteps, I tip toe into my house between late nights and early mornings. I was weary. Instead of getting my beauty sleep, I responded to each bling from my hotline. Sad to say I enjoyed every second of it. Pure entertainment.

I did not come to the conclusion that I was making poor decisions. I brushed off life’s responsibilities as if there was dust on my shoulders.

Writing “the stages of unknown” my mental reached it’s peep. My life slowly dirty dance it’s way into a complete 180. This transition WAS NOT EASY. Slowly yet abruptly my eye opened wide as if I was blind all summer 2016. I was able to see things for what they really were.

Friends-
“Friends” stopped showing their fake love. Instead, I was able to see the monsters they truly were. Pretending to be there for me emotionally, only to change the topic of conversation within seconds. Questioning me about the boys that are interested in me only to find out my dear “friend” is plotting to get with ‘Mr. Mr’ (that part did not effect me. I laughed and continued with my life) Planning to live together after high school , than completely walking out of my life the first day of senior year. AHHH! The list goes on and on about betrayal from my dear “friends”. It’s sad to say some of them still does not realize how damaging they are as a human being.

So I learned my lesson. I do not let people in my heart. At all. I hardly even let people have pointless conversations with me. Once in a while guilt runs down my back. Seven months later I came across a few individuals that are everything you expect from a best friend yet I cannot fully let my guard down to trust them due to the fact that I was blindly fooled by demons, sucking out all my love leaving me bitter and heartbroken. I turned to anger as my only emotion. Fast forward to today, my bitterness is long gone and I have came across GOOD PEOPLE WITH PURE INTENTIONS. Yet, my eyes are still open. Fake appears in every shape and form.. there is nothing I can do to stop it. That’s just the way of life. Instead, my objective is to observe and take note. Most importantly, FOCUS ON MYSELF 2000000% more. Once in a blue moon I let new people in my life and but I do not warn them on how to treat me. Doing so, it is easier to figure out their motives and intentions. Often, when you warn someone on how to treat you, they won’t cross your set boundaries. Without warning someone on how to respect you, you give them the power to decide right from wrong. Based on their actions, their true colors are eventually exposed.

Some may look at my objective as being walked over or weak.. little did they know, the worst weakness is demanding power through fear. You get respect by showing respect. Being vulnerable yet proud IS power. I do not, anymore, demand anything out of anyone. If they choose to respect me, great, if not, I will remove myself faster than a blink of an eye. My absence will sink in and they will be left with great regret. I am not an angel, I’ve made poor decisions too, life continues. To those I’ve hurt in the process of learning the real me, I am sorry.

Due to fake love illumination process, these past months my life has been drama free. The energy I use to put into friendships that didn’t even last three months, I put it into my family, my goals, my job and my aspirations. Slowly but surly one by one becoming achievements.

Family-
I love my family and their tough love is the main reason besides myself, to change my lifestyle.
Growing up the word “No” did not exist in my life. I did not have a typical childhood because I was sick, in and out of the hospital every week. Doctor’s could not solve my sickness so I did not experience being wild as a child. Instead I painted posters, hanging them in the hospitals playroom and decorating my IV poll with rainbow colored yarn.
Developing into a teenage, my sickness slowly went away. Social life was at it’s peek catching my mother mainly, off guard.
Everyday I wanted to hang out with my friends and go to parties. In fear of my safety my mother stopped saying “yes” and I felt my life was over.
This started conflict and tension between the both of us and I started to rebel BIG TIME.
Part of tension between my mother and I was the reason I went to Dominica, I couldn’t stand being home.
Returning back to New Jersey from Dominica a year later, my appreciation for my family grew countlessly. Partying on the other hand, I did not give up.
Although when I returned, there wasn’t conflict and I was able to do whatever I wanted again. Family in my household started to distance themselves away from me. This hurt me greatly because I loved them and I felt they didn’t love me. ( They obviously loved me, they were just disappointed ) Realizing my actions was the problem I also distance myself from them and stayed in my room 24/7. In conclusion, I felt ashamed.

After writing “the stages of unknown”, I reached out to my mother and family. They responded to me with open arms and from there on, we’ve been building on stronger relationship.

I am grateful my family has given me chances upon chances.
When I mention “family” I am mainly referring those who raised me/ been there for me 24/7. My mother, my aunt Cora my grandmother and my aunt Fannett. They saw the potential in me and because of them I will never give up. Also my sister she keeps it REAL!

It is absolutely mind blowing how fast time flies by. From laying in bed all day to working two jobs looking for a third and fourth. Not because I necessarily need the money, but working makes me feel productive and accomplish. From being told I’ll have to double a year of high school to finishing my senior courses ahead of my class. From being told I’ll be lucky to even get into a community college to being accepted into a University in California. From dreaming about being a fashion intern to getting two internship in one day. From being told my writing is trash to have readers all over the world emailing me and thanking me for sharing my thoughts into words. My readers,  (you) related deeply into what I am going through. My heart is huge because of you. Dream do come true.

I am at peace in my mind. I let go of all the hurt and bitterness. I am working on my anger and I try to promote happiness and love as much as possibly can. I am just at the start of my adult life but in gods will, I believe I CAN DO IT. I MUST DO IT. “It” as in achieve and accomplish my goals making my family proud.

So I am happy if you’re wondering, and I am not lonely. My crazy yet genius ideas keeps me warm at night. My goals gives me hugs when my immediate family is not around, reminding me of the task I have to complete. I am at peace.

Xoxo,
Typicalstevie 💋

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