The fight of the unknown: Every question I am ask upon, my answer is “I don’t know”. Even though I am fully aware.
Every emotion that rises to the surface of my tempered head; I shut down. Even though I analyze it in the late hours of the night when I cannot sleep. Every stare that connects with my eye, I look away. Yet- a moment later, I sharply look directly in the naked eye that once stared me down because I am fully aware of their curiosity in me.
For some odd reason, My mind is always racing. There’s never a slow down, there’s never a break there’s never..ever-
I am customize in most eyes odd, other’s see troublemaker and a few see intelligence and uniqueness.
For so long I wanted to feel normal again.
This isn’t me.
I wasn’t raised like this. Why is my brain allowing me to act like this?
I am always on alert.
I trust nothing. Not even the oxygen that I inhale, and the carbon dioxide that I breathe out…
….For so long I’ve been dreading to write a new blog post.. Something that I created on my own where I can be carefree and express my every thought I have been holding back…
The white flag has been risen: tossing and turning, venting and crying for months I have finally accepted the changes of my life and my mental state of mind. I am not the old Stevie, it’s time I stop fighting the new me. Every day is a learning process, and I am more and then thrilled to learn something about myself every day now.
In the pass disappointment and regret ate me up alive. I would turn to deadly temptations to make the suffering go away and always surround myself with people because I was afraid of my dark thoughts- I needed a distraction. I was afraid of the changes in myself and my life. I failed so many times, I was afraid to try again. So I didn’t try at all, I allowed life to continue and my aspirations and goals stay behind.
Victory: After months of confusion, looking around- I realize I am not alone. There are people that believe in me and is inspired by me and most importantly wants to help me. I stop feeling sorry for myself and followed my goals and aspirations. Goals and aspirations that I had once set before my fight with the unknown. I’m taking my life into my own hands, I am telling myself if I do faiI get back up and try again. My head held high I have figured out my career path and how I will get there. Step-by-step, day by day I will achieve and achieve, and achieve until I make it. When I do make it in life, to my liking, I will set a new goal, chase it and repeat.
The fight of the unknown has been a battle that I thought I would never win. My guard is still up, and I am learning to trust again, my analyzation skills are still in tiptop shape but instead I use such skills positivity. When I am asked a question I give my honest truth instead of shying away from my opinion. I feel free, I feel honest and most importantly relieved. Change may be hard especially if you’re stuck in your ways, but without change you will never grow.
Enjoy your life, make the best out of your situation and most of all don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll figure a way out, you’ll succeed. Believe in yourself and never give up on your dreams.
Typical Stevie 🙂